Ok, so this is really hard. Like for real. When you've fallen back on the same crutch your whole life, using a new one is never easy.
It makes me think of a person with a bad knee that uses a cane. They're used to the feel of it in their hands. It is an extension of their own body, almost. When they are weak, the cane is there to offer assistance. Say that person gets knee replacement surgery. While I'm sure we would think that was a great thing, just imagine how painful it must be at first. They have to relearn how to walk without leaning on a crutch. It's not like a person gets out of surgery and starts running. There is a painful and tedious process of therapy. There is the perseverance, the stretching through the pain in order to stand tall and walk right.
That's kinda how I feel right now. I've had the surgery, God has healed my heart and now I'm going through the process of learning how to use this new knee. I got to test it out yesterday.
On tv Mom wakes up with breakfast in bed surrounded by happy children bearing flowers. She is loved on and showered with gifts throughout the day. Everyone tells Mama how wonderful she is and not a single dish is done by her that day.
I woke up with dark circles under my eyes from a crying newborn only to meet a crying toddler. My poor boy then promptly threw up all over my legs and the rug. That scenario played itself out multiple times throughout the day. It was pretty terrible. As I was on hands and knees cleaning the floor for the 5th time, I told God how mad I was. It's not supposed to be like this and I just want to drown myself in cheesecake! But you see, I threw out that old cane. That's not how I roll anymore. I didn't want it any less, but I have taken away my options. My option right now is to pray and so pray, I did. I prayed all day and prayed in the middle of the night while I was being screamed at by a 9 lb girl. I cried and I prayed and told God how much I hated everything. haha! I really did do that.
Praying didn't change my circumstances. It didn't even really change my attitude at that moment, but it did help me stick to my goals. God is calling me to lean into him when I get weak and he promises to be there when I do.
Not every day will be as hard as yesterday was. I do know it will get easier to walk without a limp.