Don't get me wrong, I've tried many times to get it together but given up every time. I feel horrible, uncomfortable and incredibly ugly. None of my clothes fit and I literally wear black all the time because I don't want anyone to look at me.
Last night, I was talking to my friend Stephanie and she asked how I was doing with all things food related. I gave her some dumb answer about how, "I'm fat and probably won't ever get over this thing but it's ok." No biggie, don't worry...lol, happy face, bff, Jesus Loves You!
She didn't buy it.
She said, "I know you aren't a quitter. There is nothing else you would roll over and admit defeat with. So I don't buy the idea that you're admitting defeat. You might be tired of fighting this, but I'm not about ready for you to claim defeat on this. I've seen your heart too closely. I can't NOT fight for you. It hurts me to know you are tired and feel broken. But you are MORE than this battle. The enemy only wants you to think you're useless. Life is short, but it can be a long time to be shackled to something. The only thing the enemy knows he can steal is your freedom. So I'm wanting to help you fight him for it...now! I love you!"
What a friend...what a "mat-carrier." Her words have encouraged me so and reminded me that I'm not a weak person. I'm not one who gives up when life throws a few well-placed punches.
I'm standing between two of my best friends here (Stephanie and Tiffany), so uncomfortable with having my picture taken. Wearing yoga pants because none of my jeans fit and the most fake smile I have. I don't like being this girl.
So here I am, getting back on the horse...again.
Monica
If I don't publish this in the next 10 seconds, I'm going to delete this story that makes me feel very vulnerable and exposed. Eeeeek....here goes!
Don't be so hard on yourself, Monica! Besides the spider bite, you've been through a lot with your baby girl! Just stopping breastfeeding is hundreds of calories a day you aren't burning which isn't even counting the extreme diet you were on so you could feed her! When I stopped breastfeeding, I gained a lot of weight back even though I was still exercising. Being able to eat dairy again and not burning all those calories will do it to you! So don't beat yourself up about it, you've done an amazing job - most mothers would have gone straight to formula and not given it another thought. You'll get back there!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your struggles. I too have an ongoing battle with weight and as I get older I get more the attitude...oh well, who cares. It is not good to "be there" and I'm happy for you that you have a friend who cares enough to say something to you. I have not given up and hope that I can cling more to Jesus and less to food.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Cheryl