Monday, September 26, 2011

Where the Heart is

I was an unfortunately fat kid.  My brother and I used to race to see who could eat a whole can of Spaghettios first.  We usually tied.  We were awesome at eating pretty much anything but fruits and vegetables.  It wasn't until high school and college that I started eating produce.  Seriously.  Now I'm not blaming my parents or anyone else for my food issues.  I just had horrible habits growing up.  Since moving away, I have adopted some better and much healthier habits.  We don't really keep "bad" food at home.  That is because I will maul it.

I am going back home today to visit for a few days.  I was laying in bed thinking about it last night and knew I needed to post about it.  I don't want to admit it but whatever, I'm doing it.  When I go home, I turn into the little kid version of myself when it comes to food.  No matter how good I am doing, I can't keep it together.  It's not like anyone is shoving food in my face or anything.  I just seem to always step back in to that old relationship with food.  It's always under the surface but I can keep it hidden most of the time at my house.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family.  I am so excited to spend several days with them.  I can't wait to not stop laughing with Celeste and hang out with my mom.  But I can't do the things I've always done.  Not this time.

I'm not really sure what to do about it.  I guess that's why I'm writing this right now.  The only thing I know to do is pray.

Father, I need you.  I can't do this on my own and I am so scared of losing my momentum with this process you're taking me through.  Please heal me and show me what to do.  Help me to be normal.

Does anyone else struggle with issues like this?



  1. Hmmm... when I was little there was a set of PSAs that came out on TV during kids shows (Saturday mornings and after school) that talked about how you are what you eat. I evidently believed it. I got it into my head that if I ate the same foods as my family I would end up being like them (and there were some of them that I definitely did NOT want to be like). The family ate lots of green, healthy stuff. So all of the sudden all I had in my "acceptable" column was junk (and beef - I'm a meatatarian). Add to that the fact that I lived with my parents as an adult and then had my parents come live with me as an adult. Dad is one of my triggers. We lost Mom in March of this year. Comfort food while grieving and being around one of my triggers -- yeah. Sometimes I think I won't be able to get healthy until Dad passes too, but that is just me limiting God's power in my head. So what to do? I'm not quite at the breaking point yet, but getting there. Praying all goes well for you on your trip.

  2. re-training the brain is so tough. in learning to behave differently when presented with triggers, i have had to get very very practical. knowing what the triggers are and that they are around the corner is so improtant - and you've done that step! next you have to decide what you are going to do when faced with them. i used to have a verse and a distraction - usually a crossword puzzle! praying for you!