Hey there! It has been quite a while since I have been here. I am not going to sugar-coat things. I will simply say that I have not been doing so well lately. I guess you could say I've been running, and not the good kind of running either.
I had an amazing encounter with God when I visited Monica's church last month but I seem to have had a weird reaction to all of it. Let me back up & explain the situation & maybe you can help make sense of it with me. I was supposed to come up & sing with Monica that night. On the way there I realized that I had left my clothes at home. So, I just told Monica that I would hang out with her for a while & then go home. She said, "Sister, (this is what we call each other, by the way) I really feel like you are supposed to be in this service tonight." I then informed her that I was not going to church in jeans & a sweatshirt. Well, she wasn't having it.
So began the afternoon-long trek all over town to try & find something for me to wear. We went to several stores and absolutely nothing fit. I was getting more & more mad by the minute. Monica had to leave & get to worship practice so I thought I could sneak away. Not a chance. Her dear husband proceeded to take over the mission in her stead. He was even more determined to find an outfit for me than she was. We ended up pulling into the church parking lot about 20 minutes before the service was going to start when he realized that there was a Goodwill store right next to the church. I was thinking, "What the heck." We walk in the door and on the little display right in front of me is a beautiful pair of Italian heels size 8 1/2 (exactly my size) and a really cute beaded necklace. It's like God laid them out for me as if to say, "Here, quit being a baby & go to church!"
We found a black jacket & shirt for me and my brother-in-law helped me pull it all together just in the nick of time. I know that this is so dumb - it's just clothes. I also know that I would've felt embarrassed for being under dressed and probably would've just stayed in the back & not really entered in to the service. I am thankful that God is ever-present in my dumbness and really helped me out on this one.
Well, we walked in the door & I could immediately feel the presence of God. As soon as worship began, I couldn't stop crying. Overwhelmed would be the only word I could use to describe my experience that night. It was so refreshing & just what I needed. After the service was over I realized the other reason that I was supposed to be there. An old friend happened to be there in the service that night. This girl was one of dearest friends I have ever had but I was careless with our relationship years ago & did things that caused it to completely ruin. This has been a source of extreme pain for me but God has recently been putting the pieces back together. Just seeing her face after I had experienced this amazing time with God was more than I could ask for.
So here's the deal, ever since that night I have been so weird. I mean, I had this amazing experience, drove home in a cloud, & then I just stopped. I have felt like the walking dead ever since that night. My prayer time has been almost non-existent. My eating has been out of control. It hasn't helped that I have been sick for about 3 weeks also. Not trying to gain sympathy - just being honest.
I don't know if this is some sort of test that I have royally failed or what. I am thinking it is God trying to woo me into a deeper place, not based on an emotional experience, and maybe I'm just resisting. I am starting to see how powerful my flesh really is. I haven't been laying it all down in prayer and dying to myself like I had really been doing these past few months. How crazy it is that my life can be taken over by my old nature when I am not on guard all of the time. This is the passage of scripture that I am hanging on to at the moment: Romans 8:26-28
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
So, that is where I am at tonight. I don't even really know what to pray for but I know that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me. I'm sure he can explain it way better than me, anyway. I just know that me running the show is not working. I am ready to lay it all down again and get back to the work that He has begun in me.
Thanks for bearing with us here. This is a hard road but we know that God has started this and we are both excited to follow where He leads.