Hide and Seek

I have always loved to hide...

When we were kids, my brother and I loved playing Hide and Go Seek.  My favorite spot was in the linen closet behind some blankets 'cause I could really scare him when he found me.  That spot didn't last too long once I started getting taller.  

My first memory of our family moving to Fort Smith when I was 4, is of hiding in a laundry basket in the moving truck and being carried into the house.  I thought it was the funniest thing!  

Growing up, I always hid books under my pillow to read after everyone else went to bed.  It gave me the biggest thrill to know I was doing something fun in secret.  

I have always felt the need to be perfect and have struggled with God's grace, which is the perfect storm to make me feel the need to hide.  It doesn't even have to be something bad that I hide.  All it takes sometimes, is a person looking.  Being exposed is the absolute most uncomfortable and vulnerable feeling for me.  You can imagine why it's so difficult for me to write this blog!  

The past few months (actually years), I've been hiding myself from those who love me most.  I have pulled away from my closest friends and family and even pushed when they tried to get close.  I have been unhappy and struggling...all alone.  I don't want people to see my weaknesses.  Even more, I don't want God to see.  I think if I can make myself small and quiet enough, even he won't see me.  The thing is, I just don't want to let anyone down.  I don't want to be a disappointment.  I don't like being seen, so I put up walls.  I block out those that want to see even when the seeing is ugly.  

Thankfully, God gave me friends who's stubbornness matches my own.  They wouldn't leave me alone until I finally broke.  It seems, it's only after the breaking that God can begin to heal.

I wonder how long it will take me to learn that there is beauty in brokenness?

God sees me and he loves me, scars and all.  

-Monica