Running

Hey there!  It has been quite a while since I have been here.  I am not going to sugar-coat things.  I will simply say that I have not been doing so well lately.  I guess you could say I've been running, and not the good kind of running either.

I had an amazing encounter with God when I visited Monica's church last month but I seem to have had a weird reaction to all of it.  Let me back up & explain the situation & maybe you can help make sense of it with me.  I was supposed to come up & sing with Monica that night.  On the way there I realized that I had left my clothes at home.  So, I just told Monica that I would hang out with her for a while & then go home.  She said, "Sister, (this is what we call each other, by the way) I really feel like you are supposed to be in this service tonight."  I then informed her that I was not going to church in jeans & a sweatshirt.  Well, she wasn't having it.

So began the afternoon-long trek all over town to try & find something for me to wear.  We went to several stores and absolutely nothing fit.  I was getting more & more mad by the minute.  Monica had to leave & get to worship practice so I thought I could sneak away.  Not a chance.  Her dear husband proceeded to take over the mission in her stead.  He was even more determined to find an outfit for me than she was.  We ended up pulling into the church parking lot about 20 minutes before the service was going to start when he realized that there was a Goodwill store right next to the church.  I was thinking, "What the heck."  We walk in the door and on the little display right in front of me is a beautiful pair of Italian heels size 8 1/2 (exactly my size) and a really cute beaded necklace.  It's like God laid them out for me as if to say, "Here, quit being a baby & go to church!"

We found a black jacket & shirt for me and my brother-in-law helped me pull it all together just in the nick of time.  I know that this is so dumb - it's just clothes.  I also know that I would've felt embarrassed for being under dressed and probably would've just stayed in the back & not really entered in to the service.  I am thankful that God is ever-present in my dumbness and really helped me out on this one.

Well, we walked in the door & I could immediately feel the presence of God.  As soon as worship began, I couldn't stop crying.  Overwhelmed would be the only word I could use to describe my experience that night.  It was so refreshing & just what I needed.  After the service was over I realized the other reason that I was supposed to be there.  An old friend happened to be there in the service that night.  This girl was one of dearest friends I have ever had but I was careless with our relationship years ago & did things that caused it to completely ruin.  This has been a source of extreme pain for me but God has recently been putting the pieces back together.  Just seeing her face after I had experienced this amazing time with God was more than I could ask for. 

So here's the deal, ever since that night I have been so weird.  I mean, I had this amazing experience, drove home in a cloud, & then I just stopped.  I have felt like the walking dead ever since that night.  My prayer time has been almost non-existent. My eating has been out of control.  It hasn't helped that I have been sick for about 3 weeks also.  Not trying to gain sympathy - just being honest.

I don't know if this is some sort of test that I have royally failed or what.  I am thinking it is God trying to woo me into a deeper place, not based on an emotional experience, and maybe I'm just resisting.  I am starting to see how powerful my flesh really is.  I haven't been laying it all down in prayer and dying to myself like I had really been doing these past few months.  How crazy it is that my life can be taken over by my old nature when I am not on guard all of the time.  This is the passage of scripture that I am hanging on to at the moment:  Romans 8:26-28   

²⁶ Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ²⁷ And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. ²⁸ And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

So, that is where I am at tonight.  I don't even really know what to pray for but I know that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me.  I'm sure he can explain it way better than me, anyway.  I just know that me running the show is not working.  I am ready to lay it all down again and get back to the work that He has begun in me.  

Thanks for bearing with us here.  This is a hard road but we know that God has started this and we are both excited to follow where He leads.

Love,

Celeste

Made for More

Hey friends!  I want to use Chapter 5 of Made to Crave as a catalyst for today's blog post  In it, Lysa talks about how we were made for more than being ruled by food.  We were made for victory in Christ.  It's a great chapter and I want to broaden the scope a bit.  I'm going to also hit on a few points from Chapter 8 where she talks about making peace with our bodies.  I'm also about to get really real and really transparent.

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  I have lived in near constant shame and frustration because of this disease for many years.

PCOSDiva.com gives a good definition for those that don't know what it is:

"Often called the “Thief of Womanhood”, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) affects as many as 10% of women.  It can rob you of your fertility, cause irregular periods, lead to insulin resistance and obesity, as well as, depression. High levels of androgen hormones in women with PCOS can cause acne, excess facial and body hair growth and male-pattern hair loss. The long term risk factors for diabetes, heart disease and certain cancers are higher if PCOS is left untreated."

I seriously cannot believe I'm telling you all this right now.  So anyway, the progression of this disease is directly linked to blood sugar and insulin which can be controlled through diet.  I have never been able to keep it under control on my own.  I have tried so hard and have been on every drug there is for PCOS.  Nothing has worked.  I have defined myself by this disease.  It has taken so much joy from me.  I have lived a cycle of victory followed by failure for nearly 10 years; until I invited God into my situation.

Last week, I was praying about it and asking God why I have to live with this chronic disease that steals my confidence daily.  He said, "It isn't for you.  I did not give it to you and you do not have to live with it.  Listen and obey me because you were made for more."  Whaaaat?!  Is this real life?  I freaked out.  So I have been doing the things that God is showing me and am standing on his promise that I was made for more than this.  I was not made to live in fear and shame.  Worrying that someone might find out that I have PCOS.  God did not create me to focus my mind on the question of if I will someday get diabetes or lose all my hair.  Now that I think about it, I've been living pretty selfishly.  All of those worries and fear are inwardly focused.  No wonder I have struggled for so long; I can't take my eyes off myself and what others will think of me.  God, forgive me.

I want you to know that your Father did not create you to live bound up.  You were not made to be a slave to addiction, worry, anxiety, depression, or sin.  You were made to be free.  To freely love your Father.  Take some time today and ask him to show you what you need to be free of if you don't already know.  And if you need to repent, do it fully and he will shower you with mercy.

I'm heading toward freedom in many more areas than I ever thought possible.  It feels pretty dang good.

Monica

What Do You Crave More?

Hey guys, we were originally going to take turns reviewing each chapter of Made to Crave, but Celeste has a lot of stuff going on right now.  Like a pipe bursting and flooding her kitchen and bathroom.  Add to that 5 boys and there's a good reason for me to go ahead and write this one in her stead.

Chapter 2 of Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst is titled Replacing My Cravings. It made me laugh and kinda hurt my feelings all at the same time.  I like that.  There are a few things I want to touch on that impacted me.

She said something that I have probably said to myself 200 times.  For real.  "Tomorrow will be a much better day to keep my promises to eat healthier.  And since this is my last day to eat what I want, I better live it up."  I cannot tell you how many days have been my "last day to eat bad."  They never really are.

Lysa tells about her realization that things had to change in her life.  Not just because she was overweight (she wasn't huge by any means, just not healthy) but it was more about her heart.  It was all about surrendering to what God wanted for her.  It was more for her spiritual health than her physical health.  She asked herself a real tough question.  Then she asked me, her reader, the same question.  I did not enjoy my answer.

So here's the question:

"Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?"

Aww man.

When I first read that, I got real honest and had to answer, yes.  Today, my answer is different because God has done a work in my heart.  I have repented and accepted his forgiveness and allowed his grace to change me.  I must ask if your answer is no, could you replace the word food with something else?  Money, facebook, your spouse, beauty, security, tv, iPhone?  The list could go on.  What is the thing you go to for comfort, reward, or joy?  How about when you're stressed or sad?  Allow God to search your heart and illuminate anything you might rely on and love more than him.  I know it's hard.  It's even harder to blog about it.

God gave Lysa a very valuable key to unlocking the door to freedom.  She said, "Each time I craved something I knew wasn't part of my plan, I used that craving as a prompt to pray.  I craved a lot.  So, I found myself praying a lot."  That was such a revelation for me!  That is the difference in doing this thing my way and allowing God to draw me closer to him through my struggle.  Do you get how huge that is?

If you haven't gotten this book yet, you should!  I just realized it kinda sounds like I'm getting paid to plug the book but I'm not.  It's just so good.

If you're feeling brave, go ahead and leave your answer to the question in the comment section.

Monica

A Little Lighter

When Celeste and I started this journey toward healing our food issues, I honestly thought I was going lose weight quickly.  I thought this was going to be the thing that finally did it for me.  That hasn't really been the case concerning the lard.  I have lost only a couple pounds since we started a few months ago.  It's easy to get discouraged if I think about that fact.  I quickly tend to wonder why I am doing this if the whole goal isn't being achieved.  The funny thing about doing things God's way is that things don't always turn out just how we think they should.


I was sitting in my kitchen with my good friend Stephanie this week.  She's the type of friend you don't want to be around if you're trying to hide what's going on.  She can tell if I'm upset within seconds of talking to me.  I have literally avoided her a few times when I didn't want to deal with issues.  Or I've just started off conversations with, "Hi I'm sad.  Just gonna put that out there 'cause I knew you'd be able to tell."  All that is to say that she knows me well and I love her for it.  So, we were talking about the blog and the whole not losing weight thing and she said some of the most amazingly encouraging words to me.  She said, "You just seem lighter."  She has noticed that things that would usually bother me aren't making as much of an impact.  I should be really nervous about changes coming up in my life but have a peace that would've been long gone by now were it a few months ago.  I guess I hadn't noticed it until she said something.  It's incredible to see the way God is using my obedience here even though it's nowhere near perfect.

So I'm still kinda fat but at least I'm getting lighter!

Monica

Oh and thanks for all you that sent me nice messages last week.  It really helped.  Love you all!!

Weeknight Update

Hello, friends.

I would just like to tell you what a blessing this experience is to me.  The fact that you are reading these words right now gives me so much happiness and encouragement.  I'm thankful that God has fastened us together on this journey. 

Things are slowly but surely happening.  I am experiencing small victories every day.  Still having trouble with my big, fat, annoying habit of quitting.  Man, if quitting was an Olympic sport.... you get the idea.  I will drive to the gym, iPod in hand, and sit in my car.  Some days it is all I can do just to walk in the door.  I can think of a million reasons not to go in and a million other things I "should" be doing with my time.  Good news:  I am going in.  Bad news:  my workouts are pretty much ehhh.   I am really good at sitting in the sauna and playing on my phone, though.  That's gotta count for something, right?

I know that working out is just another part of dying to myself.  In order to lay down my will and completely surrender to this process God has begun, I have to be obedient in this area.  I am making a commitment to you and to God that I will start giving 100% during my workouts.

Tomorrow is the beginning of one of the busiest weeks of the year for me at work.  I can't tell you enough how nice it is knowing that I am not going to turn to food when I am stressed this year, unlike in years past.  I am praying for grace, ease, and peace this week for you and me.

Love,
Celeste