Endurance

First of all, I want to thank you for your words of encouragement about my last post, whether it was through a comment here, on Facebook, text, or in person.  They each meant so much to me and I was humbled to hear your stories of loss as well.  Thank you.  I am still choosing joy, by the way.

Ray and I take a class at church and this month's topic was endurance.  When they handed out our papers and I started reading the characteristics of one who endures, my head sagged.  I couldn't honestly say that I possessed even one.  As they began teaching, I got more and more discouraged because I usually quit when things get difficult.  I don't stand firm with quiet endurance; I flail about complaining loudly.  So I chose to set my mind on other things instead of listening and allowing the Holy Spirit to encourage me toward change.  Nope, not gonna hear it!


The teacher had assigned homework for us to look up a list of scriptures and choose some that spoke directly to us and write down how they pertained to things going on in our lives.  To say that I did not want to do that would be quite the understatement.  Duh, I already know that I suck at endurance.  After two weeks of ignoring it, the night before I went ahead and did it.  And God went ahead and spoke to me through his word.  So, I'd expected to feel convicted about all my food issues, but I wasn't expecting to get slapped by Hebrews.

  "Do you see what this means, all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on?  It means we'd better get on with it.  Strip down, start running-and never quit!  No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins.  Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in.  Study how he did it.  Because he never lost sight of where he was headed-that exhilarating finish in and with God.  He could put up with anything along the way:  cross, shame, whatever.  And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.  When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through.  That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!"                                         Hebrews 12:1-3  The Message

No extra spiritual fat?  Other versions say to lay aside every weight that encumbers you.  It just kinds stings a little more when you call it fat.  I've got some pounds of spiritual and literal fat to lose.  So I started thinking about my journey and how endurance comes into play.

Over the past few months, I've had some awesome encounters with God.  He has spoken over me words of encouragement in many ways that have brought healing.  But honestly, I haven't experienced the kind of healing I should have, and I just figured out why.  See, God does his part when he brings me a word about a certain area of my life.  Then, it's my turn to take that seed (word) and plant it deep in my heart and help it to grow.  If I hear the word and let that seed fall on shallow ground, its roots can never grow deep into my spirit.  It's like sorta believing what God says about you for a minute but then not so much.  Does that make sense?  We have to cultivate it.  Hide his word in our hearts and let it sink in.  I've read the parable of the seeds in Luke but it has never come alive for me until this very moment.



So what I'm getting at is, that we need to keep on going after the initial excitement of starting something new.  Keep pressing through when things get difficult.  When we find ourselves wanting to give up and trying to lose faith, let's turn to Jesus as our model.  How did he handle tough situations?

Let's lace up our shoes and start running.  And let's not give up when our hearts beat fast and we can hardly breathe.  Because breakthrough is just on the other side of that hill.

Monica

Plans. Big Plans.

Hey there!  Hope ya'll are doing great.  I must say that Monica has been doing a fabulous job talking about chapters 1 & 2 of the book we are reading.  Man, oh man, I am loving this book.  If you haven't checked out Made To Crave yet, I highly recommend that you do so.  Monica has the paper copy and I bought the digital edition for my Kindle. (only $3.99 in the Amazon Kindle store)  And no, we aren't being paid or anything like that - it's just the perfect addition to this blog.

So, I am going to talk about Chapter 3, entitled "Getting A Plan."  If you have been following this blog at all you know that I love a plan.  I get so excited about making plans, especially diet plans.  I have latched onto the Weight Watchers plan, Atkins plan, Master Cleanse plan (for approximately 3 hours), Low Calorie Plans, Low Fat Plans, doctor supervised plans, Body For Life, and on and on.  I know that most of these are great plans.  The plan is not the problem - me putting all of my trust in the plan and my subsequent lack of "follow-through" has always been the problem.

In the beginning of this journey I thought that God wanted me to give up all of my plans and just trust in Him to lose this weight and heal my heart.  I now know that this is 100% right but He has also revealed that I need to have some boundaries (notice how I avoided the word "plan" - I am sneaky like that)  I have been afraid to latch onto any plans because of my natural inclination to put all of my hope in them.  God's timing is so perfect.  He knew that I needed these few months to just focus on Him and to prepare my heart to follow a plan while I keep my eyes fixed on Him.

In Chapter 3 Lysa shares how God revealed to her that true change takes intentionality and time.  Real and lasting results will come but they won't be immediate.  Patience - something I am extremely lacking in - is what I need God to work on inside of me.  I am going to be walking out James 1:2-4, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

Lysa shares the plan that works for her in this chapter.  She encourages readers to find out what plan is best for them.  I love that this book is not about a diet at all - just total surrender in every area of our lives.

So there you go.  This is what chapter 3 has spoken to me.  I pray that we will continually turn our hearts away from the things of this world and fix our eyes on our Heavenly father this week.

Love,
Celeste

Being Captivated

Hey y'all!  It's been a minute, huh?  I don't really have a reason for the break in blogging the past few weeks.  I had stuff to talk about but just kept forgetting to write it down or I didn't want to talk about stuff.  Either way, I'm back and I've got something to say.

I read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge a few years ago and thought it was pretty good but not life changing or anything.  I am reading it again and wondering if I had read a different book 'cause it is seriously amazing.  If you haven't read it, go get it.  Stat!

So I have been frustrated and asking God why I'm not losing any weight doing this thing his way.  Isn't that kinda the point after all the dealing with issues and stuff?  I have been really wanting to go on a diet lately.  I want a plan.  I want to go back to something that I know has worked in the past if only for a short time.  I have been feeling real frustrated and gaining weight like I'm getting paid to.  So a week and a half ago, I made a plan and set a start date.  I was going to take control and lose some pounds before Christmas.  Then the conviction started.  I wondered how I would diet and still blog.  How can I be honest and yet go against the whole cause of this space?  Maybe I just won't talk about it?  Every time, I thought about it, there was a catch in my spirit.  God was wearing me down.  Then I read this in Captivating and it knocked down my last bit of fight...

  "Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
    I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.
    She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
    she will look for them but not find them. (Hosea 2:6-7)


    Jesus has to thwart us too--thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. (That's the part that really got me)  Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue.  Oh, we might turn to him for our 'salvation,' for a ticket to heaven when we die....But inside, our hearts remain broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.  
    And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman's life hemming her in.....Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our 'way of life' which is not life at all."


So how's that for reading my mail?  Yeah.  It's like I'm a wounded animal thrashing around trying to get free from a trap but hurting myself in the process.  Then the gentle hands of Jesus hold me tight until I settle down and stop moving.  He can see things I can't see.  He has the strength to set me free but I have to give up control and let him do it his way.

Monica

No Bakes

It's about to get really real up on this blog tonight.  Cause why even do this if it's not gonna be real?

Hey guess why I haven't been posting much.

It's because I am not doing so hot.  I am feeling dumb and embarrassed.  Remember the verse I put up about setting my face like flint?  Yeah, it was set more like undercooked fudge.  Or nobake cookies.  Oh yeah, speaking of nobake cookies.  They did me in on Thanksgiving.  I was doing so good not eating sugar until I saw these...

My resolve just went down the drain.  And it has pretty much stayed there.

We have one more day of this challenge and I am so sad to say that I haven't given it 100%.  Heck probably not even 50%.  I don't know what's wrong with me!  If I am not going to do something perfectly, I don't even want to try.  So as soon as I mess up one time, it's always been downhill from there.  Why can't I just be ok trying and be satisfied if I'm not perfect?  Losing is so embarrassing!  Anyone that has ever played a game with me can tell you how competitive I am.  It gets a little out of control at times.

Here's the deal.  I am really frustrated right now.  I don't have any awesome spiritual revelation for you tonight.  I feel dumb and am in need of some encouragement.  That's pretty much it.

"Out of the depths, I cry to you O Lord."  Ps. 130:1

Monica

Ps. I'm not trying to be all weird and dramatic here.  I'm just being honest because that is what God put on our hearts for this blog to be.  I'm not looking for attention, I just want people to see the ups and downs of my battle.

Check In

Just a quick check in tonight...

It's been a week without sugar and it feels really good.  I'm not gonna lie though, there have been days that I wanted to eat some but I didn't.  I did have some pretty terrible days this past week.  My iPhone fell out of my pocket the other day and my screen completely shattered, so that was neat.  It's hard to learn new ways to cope with stress but I'm working on that.

My running has been a little here and there.  I've been consistently working out but not running like I intended.  Good thing we have lots of days left to our 30 day challenge!

God has been doing amazing things in my life despite my lack of perfection.  Isn't that encouraging?  We don't have to be perfect for him to make something good out of us.  I'm just asking for his help as often as I can remember.

That's it, y'all.  I'm off to sleepytown!

Monica

Changing Things Up

We are on day 11 of our 30 Day Challenge and it has made quite an impact on me so far.  I have had some amazing high points and some unfortunate lows.  Makes me sound a tad bipolar.  I posted earlier this week on being free from addiction.  I felt great!  I was walking around in all this freedom and happiness.  Then I had the urge to bake.  Because I was free from addiction to sugar, I decided to make some killer sugar free cookies.  They were "low" everything but tasted real good.  After a few, I started feeling the guilt creep back in.  The thoughts like, "Yeah, you just thought you were free.  Look at you, you are still the same old person doing the same old things."  I was embarrassed.  Too embarrassed to blog about it because after posting about such an amazing event, I didn't want you all to see me fail.  I haven't failed, though.  I did a little "Croc-walk" (what my husband and I call it when the sticky rubber of a Croc makes a person trip a little) but I didn't fall.  Let me tell you what God showed me about my recovery.

With nearly all addictions, there has to be abstinence.  A person addicted to meth can't just shoot up every once in a while and expect to stay clean.  My addiction to sugar is deeply rooted.  I've been cultivating it nearly my entire life and I expected to wake up Monday morning with absolutely no desire for it again.  While I know God could have taken it away, he didn't.  I thought I could have some of my "drug" every once in a while and be cool.  Not so much.  He showed me that I need to completely steer clear for a while.  I did not want to tell y'all that 'cause putting it here makes it real for me.  Plus, Thanksgiving is coming up and I make a mean pumpkin roll.  I will not be partaking in desserts this year.  Alas, such is life and freedom and such.

So I'm changing up my goals nearly midway through this thing.  Instead of the half-hearted, don't eat unless I'm hungry goal, I'm going without sugar.  I'm doing it 'cause that's what God wants me to do.  It's going to be hard but I have a feeling I won't regret it.

"And the Master, God, stays right there and helps me, so I'm not disgraced.
Therefore I set my face like flint, confident that I'll never regret this."

Isaiah 50:7

Monica

Well That Was Fast

Sometimes when God starts working on my heart; leading me to deal with an issue he does it slowly, giving me the chance to take small timid steps toward him.  And other times he holds my hand and we run real fast toward a cliff and jump together.  This is one of those running and jumping times.

The other day I posted about comparing myself to others thinking it would be a while until I had to actually get over it.  Well, not so much.  I'm having to get over it today...right now.

The other night I was asked to lead worship at our church this weekend.  I responded with, "Sure, what song would you like me to sing?"  She said, "All of them.  All the vocalists will be gone this weekend so it would be great if you could play your guitar and lead for all three services."  Y'all, I nearly wet my bed.  I said I would do it and have been praying about what songs to do all day today.  I just asked my husband, Ray what songs he thought I should do and proceeded shoot down every suggestion he gave.  He said, "I know why you're doing this.  You don't want to sing the same songs Emily does because you think she's better than you.  Monica, you just blogged about this."  Awww, dang.  He got me.

Emily is one of the most amazing singers and worship leaders I've ever heard.  I have sized my voice up to hers from the moment I heard it.  She kills it every week and I was just imagining people saying, "Yeah she was good but I like Emily's version better."  You know what, people might say that and I have to be ok with that.  I'm not leading worship to compete with anyone or impress judges.  That is not worship; that is American Idol.  And I was not created to be on American Idol, I was created to worship.

I just sent the set list to the team and half of the songs are ones that Emily sings.  I'm going to sing them because God is telling me to and I'm praying for an anointing on me so that people don't just hear me sing.  I want people to be drawn to the feet of Christ because that is where my worship is coming from.

If you want to be a part of this worship you can go here on Saturday night at 6 and watch it live.  (I can't believe I just told y'all!)

Monica

Saturday Evening Post

I spent tonight at a cookout on the river with some good friends.  It was great to just sit and laugh together and watch our kids play.  Everyone was relaxed.  One of my husband's friends actually dozed off under a big oak tree while we were out there. It was a nice end to a busy week.

This week has been better than last week.  I started going back to the gym again & I am now remembering how great it feels to complete a workout.  My eating has not been so great.  I have fallen back into my normal pattern of "all or nothing" with food.  I can go from eating totally clean & healthy one day to being out of control the next.

I am praying that this week God will help me push past these urges and walk in the freedom that He has for me.  I am not committing to a diet or a plan.  My only plan is to die to myself and my destructive desires.  I know that it's possible.  I am seeing glimpses of change inside of me.  This isn't easy, but I am not quitting.

Celeste

Crisis Averted

My sister and I often talk about having minor meltdowns in our closet floors. This is so dumb, we know.  But here's the thing:  when I am getting dressed to go out and every item of clothing I try on tends to enhance my largeness, I get really upset.  I get so upset that I don't want to leave the house.  In fact, I get so upset that all I want to do is eat.  Herein lies the rub: the eating.  The eating is the thing that causes the problem in the first place. 

Last night I could feel the whole process starting.  I should have been excited.  A night out with my husband and no children is a rare occasion.  The whole ordeal of getting ready was taking too long.  He was already dressed and waiting on me and I was standing in my closet with a pile of reject clothes around my feet.  My natural instinct was to fall into my normal routine (i.e. pity party) and not even want to go.

I am so thankful that God is patient with me, even in dumb situations like this.  He gently reminded me that this is a process He is walking me through and we are just getting started.  The results will come but for now, I need to be content right where I am. A wave of peace filled the room and calmed my mind.

I grabbed the only pair of jeans that fit me right now, paired them with a cute black shirt & accessorized the heck out of it. My husband came in the closet, kissed me on the forehead and said, "You look gorgeous."  What a guy.  He also said something to the effect of, "Let's go!  Aren't you ready yet? I'm starving!"

We had a great night that included sushi & good friends, two of my favorite things.  I could still feel that peace when we were sitting at the restaurant and I know that is the reason I was able to stop eating when I was full.  I actually had to get a to-go box for half of my food.  Uncharted territory, folks.

I can't believe I almost missed out on such a great night because of some stupid clothes.  Crisis averted.

Celeste