Who Do You Think You Are?

This past Saturday afternoon, I was in a foul mood.  I had tried on all my clothes and couldn't find anything that fit to wear to church that night.  That's how it usually starts for me.  I realize that my clothes don't fit and then I just go ahead and throw one.  I reminded myself what a failure I have been and how I can never get my crap together.  My husband, Ray, was being so nice and trying to encourage me to which I responded with an eye roll.  I always know how dumb I'm acting but that doesn't always make me act grown.  Anyway, I calmed down and prayed for a minute and found something stretchy to wear.

Church that night was really great and I got to lead the last song during worship.  It was cool but not anything crazy awesome.  So I was a little surprised when our pastor, Stan, came over to me after church and said I had done a great job leading.  I thanked him and he turned to go.  Then he stopped and came back.  (You always know it's about to get real when they come back.)  He said, "I didn't mean thank you for singing well, I meant thank you for bring the presence."  He paused and looked me right in the eyes and said, "You're not who you think you are, you're who God says you are."  I could barely see through the tears welling up in my eyes.  Unless God told him, he didn't know the things I had been thinking about myself only hours before.  Stan then said, "You're a giant-killer.  You are like David.  God is bringing you into a season where you worship when no one is watching so that when you lead, you kill giants."  I couldn't think to say anything but "Ok" and "Thank you."  You have no idea how my heart needed to hear those words.

So today, I want to know who does God say that I am?

- He says that I am a new person in him:

"Therefore, if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old has passed away.  Behold, the fresh and new has come!"  2 Corinthians 5:17 amplified version

- He says that I am set free:

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Him the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death."  Romans 8:1-2

- He says that I am confident:

"When we trust in him, we're free to say whatever needs to be said, bold to go wherever we need to go." Ephesians 3:12

- He says that I am loved and whole:

"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love."  Ephesians 1:4

- He says that I am forgiven:

"God did it for us.  Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself.  A pure gift.  He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be.  And he did it by means of Jesus Christ."  Romans 3:24


Isn't that amazing?  I think so 'cause by myself, I am not any of those things.  It's in Christ that I find my identity and it's an incredible one.

Monica

What Matters

I am reading the Francine Rivers series Marta's Legacy right now and it has me thinking about my own life and the trail I will leave behind.  The books follow the stories of 3 generations of women and their relationships with one another.  The way their pasts affect their daughters and themselves.  Overall, they are pretty good books even though at times I want to throw it out the window because of some frustrating characters.  Not my favorite Francine Rivers books, but I digress.

So, my legacy...

How do I want people to remember me?  What affect do I want to have on the children in my home?

This is one of the huge reasons that I am dealing with my food issues now.  I don't want to struggle with this all of my life.  I don't want this burden to keep me from doing fun things with my kids.  I want to be light in every sense of the word!

I guess this is as good a time as ever to tell you all some huge news.  Ray and I are in the process of opening our home to foster care.  We started the very long list of things to do in the spring and are waiting for our 3rd out of 4 home-studies.  We should be open to take a child around February.  God challenged us on this issue separately and when we came together to talk about it we were in complete agreement.  We want our legacy to be one of worth.  We want to show God's love to kids who may have never seen it.  Yes, it will be hard and yes it will be sad.  But we are not alone.  He is sending us as lambs into a wolf pack but The Lion will be ever padding by our side.

I want to be remembered and known for many things; the most vital being that I was a lover of Jesus.  That I have lived passionately and fiercely for his kingdom.

What will your legacy be?

Monica

Beauty

This post is definitely more private and personal to me than any others I've written about so far.  While I feel a little uncomfortable and exposed, I do know that these are truths that Jesus wants written on our hearts.
Last week I was reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and they began to talk about our beauty as women and the way that God sees us; that he is captivated by us.  I started feeling a little weird.  For about as long as I can remember, I have generally not felt beautiful.  Definitely not captivating.  I wasn't abused or told I was ugly growing up.  At least not by anyone other than myself.  I have just always found fault in the mirror.  I wasn't convinced with their words.  Then Stasi told a story about a woman that she encouraged to ask Jesus to show her her beauty.  I figured I'd try it, so I tentatively asked him.  He quickly flooded me with answers.  He said, "Daughter, you are beautiful to me in so many ways!  You are most beautiful when you are worshipping me, doing exactly what I created you to do.  You are beautiful when you love and care for your son.  You are beautiful when you are serving and loving your husband.  Let me show you your beauty."  I sat on my bed and just smiled and thanked him.  I am amazed at how deep and personal his love for me is.

As if that wasn't enough, the next night I led worship at our church and before the service, God reminded me of what he had told me.  I went in with more confidence and joy than I've ever had.  Between songs, our pastor came up and encouraged us to pray for the person next to us.  One of the other singers, Ashley and I put our arms around each other's shoulders and began to pray.  She then turned to me and looked me right in the eyes and said, "God keeps telling me that he thinks you are beautiful."  I immediately broke under the weight of his love as she went on to speak it over me.  The almighty, amazing God of the universe stopped a service to tell me that I am beautiful.  What in the world?  I have never experienced him in such an intimate way and let me tell you, it is lovely.

Get alone with your Father today and ask him to show your beauty.  Ask him how he sees you.  Then wait until you hear his answer.  Look for it because he will show you.  He longs for a deeper relationship; he wants to heal your heart.  Let him.

Monica

Identity Identified

This last Wednesday I told this class I'm in at church about my blog.  It is made up of people from every age group and walk of life just desiring to dig deeper into God, and to be trained up to be a warrior like David.  I told them about the comparison post and then about the worship leading post.  And when I told them I didn't think I was as good of a singer as Emily, I looked over and saw her husband and father shaking their heads.  It was at this point I began the cry-talk.  It was unavoidable and no matter how hard I bit my cheek, I couldn't get it under control.  So I just kept cry-talking my way through what God was telling me to say.  Then, a guy spoke up and said, "Monica, this is just a shortcut to get to where God wants you.  When he takes you through something difficult, just think of it that way."  I had never in my life thought of that!

So this weekend, God led me through a shortcut and I ended up standing smack dab in the middle of my identity.  As soon as I started singing, God blanketed me with peace.  I have been doing this for about 10 years and it was unlike anything I've ever felt while leading worship.  It was this realization that I was in the perfect place doing the exact thing I was put on this earth to do.  For weeks, I have been asking God to speak to me about my identity and he gave me the most incredible revelation in that moment.  I have always known this is what I am called to do; that's not really what I'm talking about.  I'm not sure how to explain it, other than that I felt happy with myself for the first time in a long time.  And that is because I stepped out and did something scary which allowed God to reveal my identity.  I prayed that through my worship this weekend, people would feel his presence; his love, and be changed.  Who knew it would be me?

Monica