No Bakes

It's about to get really real up on this blog tonight.  Cause why even do this if it's not gonna be real?

Hey guess why I haven't been posting much.

It's because I am not doing so hot.  I am feeling dumb and embarrassed.  Remember the verse I put up about setting my face like flint?  Yeah, it was set more like undercooked fudge.  Or nobake cookies.  Oh yeah, speaking of nobake cookies.  They did me in on Thanksgiving.  I was doing so good not eating sugar until I saw these...

My resolve just went down the drain.  And it has pretty much stayed there.

We have one more day of this challenge and I am so sad to say that I haven't given it 100%.  Heck probably not even 50%.  I don't know what's wrong with me!  If I am not going to do something perfectly, I don't even want to try.  So as soon as I mess up one time, it's always been downhill from there.  Why can't I just be ok trying and be satisfied if I'm not perfect?  Losing is so embarrassing!  Anyone that has ever played a game with me can tell you how competitive I am.  It gets a little out of control at times.

Here's the deal.  I am really frustrated right now.  I don't have any awesome spiritual revelation for you tonight.  I feel dumb and am in need of some encouragement.  That's pretty much it.

"Out of the depths, I cry to you O Lord."  Ps. 130:1

Monica

Ps. I'm not trying to be all weird and dramatic here.  I'm just being honest because that is what God put on our hearts for this blog to be.  I'm not looking for attention, I just want people to see the ups and downs of my battle.

Changing Things Up

We are on day 11 of our 30 Day Challenge and it has made quite an impact on me so far.  I have had some amazing high points and some unfortunate lows.  Makes me sound a tad bipolar.  I posted earlier this week on being free from addiction.  I felt great!  I was walking around in all this freedom and happiness.  Then I had the urge to bake.  Because I was free from addiction to sugar, I decided to make some killer sugar free cookies.  They were "low" everything but tasted real good.  After a few, I started feeling the guilt creep back in.  The thoughts like, "Yeah, you just thought you were free.  Look at you, you are still the same old person doing the same old things."  I was embarrassed.  Too embarrassed to blog about it because after posting about such an amazing event, I didn't want you all to see me fail.  I haven't failed, though.  I did a little "Croc-walk" (what my husband and I call it when the sticky rubber of a Croc makes a person trip a little) but I didn't fall.  Let me tell you what God showed me about my recovery.

With nearly all addictions, there has to be abstinence.  A person addicted to meth can't just shoot up every once in a while and expect to stay clean.  My addiction to sugar is deeply rooted.  I've been cultivating it nearly my entire life and I expected to wake up Monday morning with absolutely no desire for it again.  While I know God could have taken it away, he didn't.  I thought I could have some of my "drug" every once in a while and be cool.  Not so much.  He showed me that I need to completely steer clear for a while.  I did not want to tell y'all that 'cause putting it here makes it real for me.  Plus, Thanksgiving is coming up and I make a mean pumpkin roll.  I will not be partaking in desserts this year.  Alas, such is life and freedom and such.

So I'm changing up my goals nearly midway through this thing.  Instead of the half-hearted, don't eat unless I'm hungry goal, I'm going without sugar.  I'm doing it 'cause that's what God wants me to do.  It's going to be hard but I have a feeling I won't regret it.

"And the Master, God, stays right there and helps me, so I'm not disgraced.
Therefore I set my face like flint, confident that I'll never regret this."

Isaiah 50:7

Monica

Day 3 and Smidge of 4

Ok, y'all I'm just gonna be real here and say that I am weak.  I'm struggling.  Yesterday, I did good spending time with God and was quiet for a huge chunk of my day and it felt great.  Unfortunately, I didn't work out at all and my eating wasn't so great.  Dang, I do not like the way that looks.  I want to be perfect and when I'm not, it's so frustrating.  As you can imagine, I am frustrated a lot.  Ha!

This morning, I got up and worked out with my friend Stephanie over at chosenforreagan.com and it was good.  It hurt but it was good.  Then I went home and made myself a healthy lunch.  It was while I was watching The Office on hulu that the slope got slippery.  I got on the ol' Google and found a recipe for single serving cupcakes.  Did you know there was such a thing?  Yeah, there is.  So I whipped it up and scarfed it down.  It burned my mouth and wasn't even that good.  It was too eggy.  I wasn't hungry...at all; I just wanted something sweet.  You know what, while I'm being honest, I'm just gonna say it made two and yes I ate them both.  Even though the first one was kinda gross.  And now I feel like crap and I am embarrassed.  While feeling this way, I have some choices.  I can try and find a better cupcake recipe and make something much tastier.  I can say screw it all and eat horribly the rest of the day.  I can realize that I made a dumb choice and start back over from this point.  I can also go into my room and talk to my Father about it.  I can get in his presence and hide there for a while.  So, I'm gonna do the last two options and I'll let you know how it goes.

Here's to transparency.  Dadgum, it's hard.

What do you do when you mess up?

Monica

Lay It Down

Nehemiah 9:17 (ESV)  "..But you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love"

You know what you need to do today?  You need to forgive yourself.  You want to know how I know this?  Because I need to forgive myself.  I have made an executive decision and we are just going to get this taken care of today.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you have made quite a mess of things just like I have. I don't know about you, but I can beat myself up like nobody's business. I can literally lay awake at night replaying events from the past over and over in my head, just wishing I could go back and do things differently. Why is it that I can forgive other people but not myself?

In my Christian walk, I tend to lean toward works rather than grace.  If things aren't going right, my first thought is, "What have I done wrong?" or I immediately come up with a plan to fix the problem.  Let me tell you, trying to fix mistakes on your own just leads to a bunch of little Ishmaels running the show.  We all know how that story turned out.  The problem with works-based salvation is this: you eliminate the need for Jesus.  If your salvation is solely based on whether or not you prayed your 30 minutes today or read your 3 chapters, what was the point of Jesus dying on the cross? Apparently, you've got this. On the flip side, when you mess up, you feel like God is mad at you and you aren't worthy to be called His own.  The bad news is: you are going to mess up.  Even worse than that is the eventual guilt you are going to feel when you do mess up.

Living in a perpetual state of guilt is the perfect set up for a fall.  If you feel like you are already a failure, what's the point of even trying?  You are a self-fulfilling prophecy.  This is the trick that keeps so many people like you and me bound up in addiction.  When you look in the mirror you won't see anything but a failure until you can forgive yourself.

I am really thinking that this is the key to turning the corner. We need to start seeing ourselves through eyes of faith.  "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (Hebrews 11:1) I can't see it right now, but through faith I know that I am forgiven, blameless, renewed, and whole.  I know that a huge part of getting over my issues with food is learning to forgive myself.  

Here is the "To Do" list for today and every day:

1.  Forgive yourself for whatever it is that you have done 

2.  Walk in the confidence that only faith can bring

3.  Lay down the guilt and don't pick it back up

I think this video perfectly sums up what I am feeling tonight.

Much love,

Celeste