Who Do You Think You Are?

This past Saturday afternoon, I was in a foul mood.  I had tried on all my clothes and couldn't find anything that fit to wear to church that night.  That's how it usually starts for me.  I realize that my clothes don't fit and then I just go ahead and throw one.  I reminded myself what a failure I have been and how I can never get my crap together.  My husband, Ray, was being so nice and trying to encourage me to which I responded with an eye roll.  I always know how dumb I'm acting but that doesn't always make me act grown.  Anyway, I calmed down and prayed for a minute and found something stretchy to wear.

Church that night was really great and I got to lead the last song during worship.  It was cool but not anything crazy awesome.  So I was a little surprised when our pastor, Stan, came over to me after church and said I had done a great job leading.  I thanked him and he turned to go.  Then he stopped and came back.  (You always know it's about to get real when they come back.)  He said, "I didn't mean thank you for singing well, I meant thank you for bring the presence."  He paused and looked me right in the eyes and said, "You're not who you think you are, you're who God says you are."  I could barely see through the tears welling up in my eyes.  Unless God told him, he didn't know the things I had been thinking about myself only hours before.  Stan then said, "You're a giant-killer.  You are like David.  God is bringing you into a season where you worship when no one is watching so that when you lead, you kill giants."  I couldn't think to say anything but "Ok" and "Thank you."  You have no idea how my heart needed to hear those words.

So today, I want to know who does God say that I am?

- He says that I am a new person in him:

"Therefore, if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old has passed away.  Behold, the fresh and new has come!"  2 Corinthians 5:17 amplified version

- He says that I am set free:

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Him the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death."  Romans 8:1-2

- He says that I am confident:

"When we trust in him, we're free to say whatever needs to be said, bold to go wherever we need to go." Ephesians 3:12

- He says that I am loved and whole:

"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love."  Ephesians 1:4

- He says that I am forgiven:

"God did it for us.  Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself.  A pure gift.  He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be.  And he did it by means of Jesus Christ."  Romans 3:24


Isn't that amazing?  I think so 'cause by myself, I am not any of those things.  It's in Christ that I find my identity and it's an incredible one.

Monica

What's Really Going On Here?

Celeste talked briefly in her last post about the book we are reading, Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst.  Can I just say how dadgum awesome it is?  I am almost finished with it and it is very underlined and starred.  If you have ever had an issue with food, go and get this book as fast as your little feet can run or your little fingers can type.  Seriously, go get it.  Like right now.  It has changed my life.  Plus she's funny.

We want to do short chapter overviews here on the blog 'cause it's that good.  (Even the intro is good!)  By no means will we cover even half of the content but just want to touch on the points that have impacted us personally.  We want to share the ways God has spoken to our hearts through this book.

Alright then, here's chapter 1 for me.

It's titled What's Really Going On Here?  She starts off talking about diet companies and how they teach people how to eat better and why that doesn't always work.  The real issue is what we crave and that our cravings aren't going to be satisfied just because our bellies are full.  God made us to crave him and his presence and we feebly attempt to fill that craving with food, sex, drugs, shopping, insert any addiction.  We will never feel full on the "food" of the world when that is not what we were made for.

Lysa then touches on Eve's temptation vs. Jesus' temptation (when he was fasting and Satan came and tempted him).  She says, "Eve was saturated in the object of her desire.  Jesus was saturated in God's truth."  She shows how Jesus, who hadn't eaten in 40 days, was able to resist Satan by quoting scripture and using truth as a weapon.  That is available to us to use as well!  "Truth is powerful.  The more saturated we are with truth, the more powerful we'll be in resisting our temptations.  And the more we'll naturally direct our cravings where they should be directed - to the Author of all truth."  I love that!

As Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like so it's amazing to have an example in the Bible of what Jesus did when tempted with food.  I really appreciate that.  So what have I been doing?  Quoting scripture to get me through tough situations.  I have been declaring truth from the Word to get me through times when I'm flaming mad that I'm not eating cake with everyone else.  And hey, it works, so that's cool.

There is a ton of content that I didn't touch on in the 1st chapter, so you should really go read it all for yourself.  I know God will speak to your heart through what she says, that is unless you have your heart-ears plugged.  Isn't that a funny/weird picture?  And I leave you with that.

Monica

What Matters

I am reading the Francine Rivers series Marta's Legacy right now and it has me thinking about my own life and the trail I will leave behind.  The books follow the stories of 3 generations of women and their relationships with one another.  The way their pasts affect their daughters and themselves.  Overall, they are pretty good books even though at times I want to throw it out the window because of some frustrating characters.  Not my favorite Francine Rivers books, but I digress.

So, my legacy...

How do I want people to remember me?  What affect do I want to have on the children in my home?

This is one of the huge reasons that I am dealing with my food issues now.  I don't want to struggle with this all of my life.  I don't want this burden to keep me from doing fun things with my kids.  I want to be light in every sense of the word!

I guess this is as good a time as ever to tell you all some huge news.  Ray and I are in the process of opening our home to foster care.  We started the very long list of things to do in the spring and are waiting for our 3rd out of 4 home-studies.  We should be open to take a child around February.  God challenged us on this issue separately and when we came together to talk about it we were in complete agreement.  We want our legacy to be one of worth.  We want to show God's love to kids who may have never seen it.  Yes, it will be hard and yes it will be sad.  But we are not alone.  He is sending us as lambs into a wolf pack but The Lion will be ever padding by our side.

I want to be remembered and known for many things; the most vital being that I was a lover of Jesus.  That I have lived passionately and fiercely for his kingdom.

What will your legacy be?

Monica

Beauty

This post is definitely more private and personal to me than any others I've written about so far.  While I feel a little uncomfortable and exposed, I do know that these are truths that Jesus wants written on our hearts.
Last week I was reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and they began to talk about our beauty as women and the way that God sees us; that he is captivated by us.  I started feeling a little weird.  For about as long as I can remember, I have generally not felt beautiful.  Definitely not captivating.  I wasn't abused or told I was ugly growing up.  At least not by anyone other than myself.  I have just always found fault in the mirror.  I wasn't convinced with their words.  Then Stasi told a story about a woman that she encouraged to ask Jesus to show her her beauty.  I figured I'd try it, so I tentatively asked him.  He quickly flooded me with answers.  He said, "Daughter, you are beautiful to me in so many ways!  You are most beautiful when you are worshipping me, doing exactly what I created you to do.  You are beautiful when you love and care for your son.  You are beautiful when you are serving and loving your husband.  Let me show you your beauty."  I sat on my bed and just smiled and thanked him.  I am amazed at how deep and personal his love for me is.

As if that wasn't enough, the next night I led worship at our church and before the service, God reminded me of what he had told me.  I went in with more confidence and joy than I've ever had.  Between songs, our pastor came up and encouraged us to pray for the person next to us.  One of the other singers, Ashley and I put our arms around each other's shoulders and began to pray.  She then turned to me and looked me right in the eyes and said, "God keeps telling me that he thinks you are beautiful."  I immediately broke under the weight of his love as she went on to speak it over me.  The almighty, amazing God of the universe stopped a service to tell me that I am beautiful.  What in the world?  I have never experienced him in such an intimate way and let me tell you, it is lovely.

Get alone with your Father today and ask him to show your beauty.  Ask him how he sees you.  Then wait until you hear his answer.  Look for it because he will show you.  He longs for a deeper relationship; he wants to heal your heart.  Let him.

Monica

A Little Lighter

When Celeste and I started this journey toward healing our food issues, I honestly thought I was going lose weight quickly.  I thought this was going to be the thing that finally did it for me.  That hasn't really been the case concerning the lard.  I have lost only a couple pounds since we started a few months ago.  It's easy to get discouraged if I think about that fact.  I quickly tend to wonder why I am doing this if the whole goal isn't being achieved.  The funny thing about doing things God's way is that things don't always turn out just how we think they should.


I was sitting in my kitchen with my good friend Stephanie this week.  She's the type of friend you don't want to be around if you're trying to hide what's going on.  She can tell if I'm upset within seconds of talking to me.  I have literally avoided her a few times when I didn't want to deal with issues.  Or I've just started off conversations with, "Hi I'm sad.  Just gonna put that out there 'cause I knew you'd be able to tell."  All that is to say that she knows me well and I love her for it.  So, we were talking about the blog and the whole not losing weight thing and she said some of the most amazingly encouraging words to me.  She said, "You just seem lighter."  She has noticed that things that would usually bother me aren't making as much of an impact.  I should be really nervous about changes coming up in my life but have a peace that would've been long gone by now were it a few months ago.  I guess I hadn't noticed it until she said something.  It's incredible to see the way God is using my obedience here even though it's nowhere near perfect.

So I'm still kinda fat but at least I'm getting lighter!

Monica

Oh and thanks for all you that sent me nice messages last week.  It really helped.  Love you all!!

Well That Was Fast

Sometimes when God starts working on my heart; leading me to deal with an issue he does it slowly, giving me the chance to take small timid steps toward him.  And other times he holds my hand and we run real fast toward a cliff and jump together.  This is one of those running and jumping times.

The other day I posted about comparing myself to others thinking it would be a while until I had to actually get over it.  Well, not so much.  I'm having to get over it today...right now.

The other night I was asked to lead worship at our church this weekend.  I responded with, "Sure, what song would you like me to sing?"  She said, "All of them.  All the vocalists will be gone this weekend so it would be great if you could play your guitar and lead for all three services."  Y'all, I nearly wet my bed.  I said I would do it and have been praying about what songs to do all day today.  I just asked my husband, Ray what songs he thought I should do and proceeded shoot down every suggestion he gave.  He said, "I know why you're doing this.  You don't want to sing the same songs Emily does because you think she's better than you.  Monica, you just blogged about this."  Awww, dang.  He got me.

Emily is one of the most amazing singers and worship leaders I've ever heard.  I have sized my voice up to hers from the moment I heard it.  She kills it every week and I was just imagining people saying, "Yeah she was good but I like Emily's version better."  You know what, people might say that and I have to be ok with that.  I'm not leading worship to compete with anyone or impress judges.  That is not worship; that is American Idol.  And I was not created to be on American Idol, I was created to worship.

I just sent the set list to the team and half of the songs are ones that Emily sings.  I'm going to sing them because God is telling me to and I'm praying for an anointing on me so that people don't just hear me sing.  I want people to be drawn to the feet of Christ because that is where my worship is coming from.

If you want to be a part of this worship you can go here on Saturday night at 6 and watch it live.  (I can't believe I just told y'all!)

Monica

She Has Great Hair

I have been mulling this post over for weeks now.  This is a tough issue for me and I have a feeling nearly everyone who reads this will be able to relate.

I cannot look at another girl without sizing myself up to her.  Doesn't matter who she is or what she looks like.  I look at her and find all her qualities that are better than mine in seconds.  "Oh man, look at that awesome hair!"  "She can totally get away with that outfit."  "I wish I was that good of a mom, wife, friend etc."  "How is she so skinny after just having a baby?"  You get the picture.

I have some seriously amazing women in my life.  Some of my closest friends just happen to be in ridiculously good physical shape.  I have a personal trainer friend, two triathalon competitors and one that even after a baby looks like a model and those are just a few examples.  Most of my friends seem to have it all together and frankly I am embarrassed with my struggle around them.  I like others that suck at what I suck at and they don't seem to carry around the same issues.  The lie that the enemy whispers in my ear is that they have it all together and I am the only one with crap.  When I take a step back and realize that everyone has some thing that they wrestle it is easier for me to quit the comparisons.  But in the thick of it, I can't see that.  It's just me all alone with skinny beautiful friends drooling over cake while they don't give it a second thought.  What a tricky lie.

When I was pregnant with my son, a few of us got together and had some pictures taken.  One of the girls was going to be out of the country for several months and wanted pictures to take with her.  I begrudgingly obliged to allow my large child-carrying belly to be photographed.  As dumb as it sounds, I didn't want to have to stand next to these beautiful girls that I love dearly being so large.  I was being so very selfish and childish.  When we got the pictures back, I sat at my computer and cried.  They were most definitely not tears of happiness.  The only thing I could think of when looking at the images was how much different I looked than them; how fat I thought I was.  I called them all and officially banned the pictures from facebook.  It has been a year and a half since I've seen these pictures and I am viewing them with fresh eyes.  Now I see myself as a woman carrying a beautiful miracle instead of just a fat sweaty pregnant girl.  My amazing, hilarious curly-headed little boy was growing in that belly and I am so proud to be his Mama.  Looking at them this time around, I realized that I don't want to be just like any of those girls.  God created each of us to be separate.  How could we love and support each other if we were identical?


It's time to stop looking at other people and putting ourselves down because we are different.  We should praise other's strengths, not idolize them.  I am not there yet.  Sometimes I don't want to hang out with people that I don't "measure up" to.  I need healing in this area and that's exactly why I am talking about it here.

Father, help me to see people with your eyes instead of my own.  Remind me of my identity in you.


Is this something you guys deal with?  How do you combat those lies when they sneak in?

Monica

Cripple Me

I went to bed an hour and a half ago but can't sleep.  I can't because I need to tell you the words burning inside of me.  A few weeks ago, I wrote this post about choosing God over other things in my life.  I am embarrassed to say that I haven't been doing much of the right choosing lately.  I have become distracted, busy, stubborn...

So the prayer in my heart is a desperate one.  I cannot keep running away.  The words to Elenowen's song Cripple Me are playing over and over in my head.

Here are the lyrics:

I see you waiting, but I'm not ready
To take that first step towards home
So please be patient, God knows I'm trying
But these good intentions are not enough


You've pulled back your veil, laid it all on the line
But I've turned my back and covered my eyes


Please, please, please, please cripple me
So I cannot keep running away
Away from you


Just give me some time, I am almost a man
Without you by my side, I don't know who I am


Please, please, please, please cripple me
So I cannot keep running away
Away from you

Honestly, I'm a little scared of that prayer.  I don't know what it will take to cripple me.  But I'm desperate.  I would rather be limping in his arms than running away.

Monica