Endurance

First of all, I want to thank you for your words of encouragement about my last post, whether it was through a comment here, on Facebook, text, or in person.  They each meant so much to me and I was humbled to hear your stories of loss as well.  Thank you.  I am still choosing joy, by the way.

Ray and I take a class at church and this month's topic was endurance.  When they handed out our papers and I started reading the characteristics of one who endures, my head sagged.  I couldn't honestly say that I possessed even one.  As they began teaching, I got more and more discouraged because I usually quit when things get difficult.  I don't stand firm with quiet endurance; I flail about complaining loudly.  So I chose to set my mind on other things instead of listening and allowing the Holy Spirit to encourage me toward change.  Nope, not gonna hear it!


The teacher had assigned homework for us to look up a list of scriptures and choose some that spoke directly to us and write down how they pertained to things going on in our lives.  To say that I did not want to do that would be quite the understatement.  Duh, I already know that I suck at endurance.  After two weeks of ignoring it, the night before I went ahead and did it.  And God went ahead and spoke to me through his word.  So, I'd expected to feel convicted about all my food issues, but I wasn't expecting to get slapped by Hebrews.

  "Do you see what this means, all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on?  It means we'd better get on with it.  Strip down, start running-and never quit!  No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins.  Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in.  Study how he did it.  Because he never lost sight of where he was headed-that exhilarating finish in and with God.  He could put up with anything along the way:  cross, shame, whatever.  And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.  When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through.  That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!"                                         Hebrews 12:1-3  The Message

No extra spiritual fat?  Other versions say to lay aside every weight that encumbers you.  It just kinds stings a little more when you call it fat.  I've got some pounds of spiritual and literal fat to lose.  So I started thinking about my journey and how endurance comes into play.

Over the past few months, I've had some awesome encounters with God.  He has spoken over me words of encouragement in many ways that have brought healing.  But honestly, I haven't experienced the kind of healing I should have, and I just figured out why.  See, God does his part when he brings me a word about a certain area of my life.  Then, it's my turn to take that seed (word) and plant it deep in my heart and help it to grow.  If I hear the word and let that seed fall on shallow ground, its roots can never grow deep into my spirit.  It's like sorta believing what God says about you for a minute but then not so much.  Does that make sense?  We have to cultivate it.  Hide his word in our hearts and let it sink in.  I've read the parable of the seeds in Luke but it has never come alive for me until this very moment.



So what I'm getting at is, that we need to keep on going after the initial excitement of starting something new.  Keep pressing through when things get difficult.  When we find ourselves wanting to give up and trying to lose faith, let's turn to Jesus as our model.  How did he handle tough situations?

Let's lace up our shoes and start running.  And let's not give up when our hearts beat fast and we can hardly breathe.  Because breakthrough is just on the other side of that hill.

Monica

Beauty

This post is definitely more private and personal to me than any others I've written about so far.  While I feel a little uncomfortable and exposed, I do know that these are truths that Jesus wants written on our hearts.
Last week I was reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and they began to talk about our beauty as women and the way that God sees us; that he is captivated by us.  I started feeling a little weird.  For about as long as I can remember, I have generally not felt beautiful.  Definitely not captivating.  I wasn't abused or told I was ugly growing up.  At least not by anyone other than myself.  I have just always found fault in the mirror.  I wasn't convinced with their words.  Then Stasi told a story about a woman that she encouraged to ask Jesus to show her her beauty.  I figured I'd try it, so I tentatively asked him.  He quickly flooded me with answers.  He said, "Daughter, you are beautiful to me in so many ways!  You are most beautiful when you are worshipping me, doing exactly what I created you to do.  You are beautiful when you love and care for your son.  You are beautiful when you are serving and loving your husband.  Let me show you your beauty."  I sat on my bed and just smiled and thanked him.  I am amazed at how deep and personal his love for me is.

As if that wasn't enough, the next night I led worship at our church and before the service, God reminded me of what he had told me.  I went in with more confidence and joy than I've ever had.  Between songs, our pastor came up and encouraged us to pray for the person next to us.  One of the other singers, Ashley and I put our arms around each other's shoulders and began to pray.  She then turned to me and looked me right in the eyes and said, "God keeps telling me that he thinks you are beautiful."  I immediately broke under the weight of his love as she went on to speak it over me.  The almighty, amazing God of the universe stopped a service to tell me that I am beautiful.  What in the world?  I have never experienced him in such an intimate way and let me tell you, it is lovely.

Get alone with your Father today and ask him to show your beauty.  Ask him how he sees you.  Then wait until you hear his answer.  Look for it because he will show you.  He longs for a deeper relationship; he wants to heal your heart.  Let him.

Monica

Being Captivated

Hey y'all!  It's been a minute, huh?  I don't really have a reason for the break in blogging the past few weeks.  I had stuff to talk about but just kept forgetting to write it down or I didn't want to talk about stuff.  Either way, I'm back and I've got something to say.

I read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge a few years ago and thought it was pretty good but not life changing or anything.  I am reading it again and wondering if I had read a different book 'cause it is seriously amazing.  If you haven't read it, go get it.  Stat!

So I have been frustrated and asking God why I'm not losing any weight doing this thing his way.  Isn't that kinda the point after all the dealing with issues and stuff?  I have been really wanting to go on a diet lately.  I want a plan.  I want to go back to something that I know has worked in the past if only for a short time.  I have been feeling real frustrated and gaining weight like I'm getting paid to.  So a week and a half ago, I made a plan and set a start date.  I was going to take control and lose some pounds before Christmas.  Then the conviction started.  I wondered how I would diet and still blog.  How can I be honest and yet go against the whole cause of this space?  Maybe I just won't talk about it?  Every time, I thought about it, there was a catch in my spirit.  God was wearing me down.  Then I read this in Captivating and it knocked down my last bit of fight...

  "Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
    I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.
    She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
    she will look for them but not find them. (Hosea 2:6-7)


    Jesus has to thwart us too--thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. (That's the part that really got me)  Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue.  Oh, we might turn to him for our 'salvation,' for a ticket to heaven when we die....But inside, our hearts remain broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.  
    And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman's life hemming her in.....Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our 'way of life' which is not life at all."


So how's that for reading my mail?  Yeah.  It's like I'm a wounded animal thrashing around trying to get free from a trap but hurting myself in the process.  Then the gentle hands of Jesus hold me tight until I settle down and stop moving.  He can see things I can't see.  He has the strength to set me free but I have to give up control and let him do it his way.

Monica

A Little Lighter

When Celeste and I started this journey toward healing our food issues, I honestly thought I was going lose weight quickly.  I thought this was going to be the thing that finally did it for me.  That hasn't really been the case concerning the lard.  I have lost only a couple pounds since we started a few months ago.  It's easy to get discouraged if I think about that fact.  I quickly tend to wonder why I am doing this if the whole goal isn't being achieved.  The funny thing about doing things God's way is that things don't always turn out just how we think they should.


I was sitting in my kitchen with my good friend Stephanie this week.  She's the type of friend you don't want to be around if you're trying to hide what's going on.  She can tell if I'm upset within seconds of talking to me.  I have literally avoided her a few times when I didn't want to deal with issues.  Or I've just started off conversations with, "Hi I'm sad.  Just gonna put that out there 'cause I knew you'd be able to tell."  All that is to say that she knows me well and I love her for it.  So, we were talking about the blog and the whole not losing weight thing and she said some of the most amazingly encouraging words to me.  She said, "You just seem lighter."  She has noticed that things that would usually bother me aren't making as much of an impact.  I should be really nervous about changes coming up in my life but have a peace that would've been long gone by now were it a few months ago.  I guess I hadn't noticed it until she said something.  It's incredible to see the way God is using my obedience here even though it's nowhere near perfect.

So I'm still kinda fat but at least I'm getting lighter!

Monica

Oh and thanks for all you that sent me nice messages last week.  It really helped.  Love you all!!

It's All in the Family

We are on day 7 of the 30 Day Challenge and things are going good over here.  Right now, I've got a tasty broccoli soup on the stove for supper and will have 30 quiet minutes as soon as I finish this post.  If it ever stops raining here, I'll go outside for a run but if not, I'll head to the gym.

So what I really want to talk about today is generational issues; unfortunate things that seem to be passed down through blood lines.  I want to tell you about how I got free from mine.  Last Friday, I posted about how I screwed up and found myself with cupcake crumbs all over my face.  My mom commented on that post about how sugar addiction is something she, her mother and her grandmother have all battled.  Each one of us grew up watching our mother fight this demon and learned to do the same.  I had just kind of accepted this as a part of my life and tried my best to get over it.  Not working so much for me.  Seeing it in writing on Saturday was pretty huge for me.  (I am so incredibly proud of my mom for having the courage to admit her struggle, by the way.)

I had been praying all day that God would give me a breakthrough in this area at church that night.  I was pretty sure our pastor wasn't going to call up people with sugar addiction for prayer at the end of the service.  I just wanted God to do something.  So that afternoon, I was praying about the song I was going to lead and God laid a verse on my heart.  I was like, "Hey, you know I don't like to talk during worship."  And he was like, "Yeah, I know but do it anyway."  So I was like, "Ok."  Fast-forward to me picking up my guitar and thinking, "Oh crap, I can't talk!"  Then a peace just came over me and I knew if I was obedient, my breakthrough would come.  I said my little verse and a few words of encouragement and it was cool.  Then our pastor came up and started talking about stuff in your life that has no place.  He literally said, "I don't care if you Grandmother had it and your Mother had it and you do too."  My eyeballs got enormous.  He talked about the power of our words and declaring things on earth to be as they are in heaven.  In the Lord's prayer, Jesus said, "Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."  Jesus told us to pray that.  Then my pastor said go ahead and do it, so I did.  I said, "Today, I am free from addiction and it has no place in my life.  God, may your will be done in my life on earth as it is in heaven."  And then I laughed.  Not a weird, crazy laugh mind you.  I laughed at the thing that has held me captive for so long.  I was filled with joy over my freedom.

I am learning the power of my words.  I say so many negative things about myself that are keeping me in bondage.  It's time to speak life over ourselves!  During your time with God today, ask him to show you the areas in your life where you need to change your vocabulary.  What things do you need to declare to be on earth as they are in heaven?

We LOVE hearing from you guys; it's so encouraging!  If you don't feel comfortable commenting here on the blog, please send us an email.  setfreefromme.cm@gmail.com

Monica

She Has Great Hair

I have been mulling this post over for weeks now.  This is a tough issue for me and I have a feeling nearly everyone who reads this will be able to relate.

I cannot look at another girl without sizing myself up to her.  Doesn't matter who she is or what she looks like.  I look at her and find all her qualities that are better than mine in seconds.  "Oh man, look at that awesome hair!"  "She can totally get away with that outfit."  "I wish I was that good of a mom, wife, friend etc."  "How is she so skinny after just having a baby?"  You get the picture.

I have some seriously amazing women in my life.  Some of my closest friends just happen to be in ridiculously good physical shape.  I have a personal trainer friend, two triathalon competitors and one that even after a baby looks like a model and those are just a few examples.  Most of my friends seem to have it all together and frankly I am embarrassed with my struggle around them.  I like others that suck at what I suck at and they don't seem to carry around the same issues.  The lie that the enemy whispers in my ear is that they have it all together and I am the only one with crap.  When I take a step back and realize that everyone has some thing that they wrestle it is easier for me to quit the comparisons.  But in the thick of it, I can't see that.  It's just me all alone with skinny beautiful friends drooling over cake while they don't give it a second thought.  What a tricky lie.

When I was pregnant with my son, a few of us got together and had some pictures taken.  One of the girls was going to be out of the country for several months and wanted pictures to take with her.  I begrudgingly obliged to allow my large child-carrying belly to be photographed.  As dumb as it sounds, I didn't want to have to stand next to these beautiful girls that I love dearly being so large.  I was being so very selfish and childish.  When we got the pictures back, I sat at my computer and cried.  They were most definitely not tears of happiness.  The only thing I could think of when looking at the images was how much different I looked than them; how fat I thought I was.  I called them all and officially banned the pictures from facebook.  It has been a year and a half since I've seen these pictures and I am viewing them with fresh eyes.  Now I see myself as a woman carrying a beautiful miracle instead of just a fat sweaty pregnant girl.  My amazing, hilarious curly-headed little boy was growing in that belly and I am so proud to be his Mama.  Looking at them this time around, I realized that I don't want to be just like any of those girls.  God created each of us to be separate.  How could we love and support each other if we were identical?


It's time to stop looking at other people and putting ourselves down because we are different.  We should praise other's strengths, not idolize them.  I am not there yet.  Sometimes I don't want to hang out with people that I don't "measure up" to.  I need healing in this area and that's exactly why I am talking about it here.

Father, help me to see people with your eyes instead of my own.  Remind me of my identity in you.


Is this something you guys deal with?  How do you combat those lies when they sneak in?

Monica

Cripple Me

I went to bed an hour and a half ago but can't sleep.  I can't because I need to tell you the words burning inside of me.  A few weeks ago, I wrote this post about choosing God over other things in my life.  I am embarrassed to say that I haven't been doing much of the right choosing lately.  I have become distracted, busy, stubborn...

So the prayer in my heart is a desperate one.  I cannot keep running away.  The words to Elenowen's song Cripple Me are playing over and over in my head.

Here are the lyrics:

I see you waiting, but I'm not ready
To take that first step towards home
So please be patient, God knows I'm trying
But these good intentions are not enough


You've pulled back your veil, laid it all on the line
But I've turned my back and covered my eyes


Please, please, please, please cripple me
So I cannot keep running away
Away from you


Just give me some time, I am almost a man
Without you by my side, I don't know who I am


Please, please, please, please cripple me
So I cannot keep running away
Away from you

Honestly, I'm a little scared of that prayer.  I don't know what it will take to cripple me.  But I'm desperate.  I would rather be limping in his arms than running away.

Monica