Spider Bite Part 1

Most of you already know about how I was bitten by a brown recluse back in October but I wanted to share the whole story and how God spoke to me through it all.  

I was putting my son, Owen, to bed on the night of Oct. 1st and thought he was doing his usual stalling routine.  He said, "Mama, there's a spider behind my curtains."  I looked and said, "Buddy, there isn't a spider back there, you're fine.  Let's go to bed."  He got real serious and told me, "Please don't die.  Mama, a bug is going to get you, so please don't die.  Ok?"  I reassured him that I wasn't going to die, said our prayers and put him to bed.  I was really weirded out and told Ray what he had said.  Later, I went to bed and was promptly bitten 2 times by a brown recluse.  Hmm...

I woke up with a very sore arm and was itching all over but started work cutting hair that morning.  I couldn't figure out what in the world was going on and why I was beginning to look like a lobster!  It wasn't until I was cutting my friend Melanie's hair and showed her my arm that she figured out what was going on.  I finished up, called Ray and went straight to the ER.  I had heard and googled horror stories about those bites and especially after what Owen had said, I took it very seriously.  

I need to give some back story on my daughter Cora and her feeding issues.  She has some serious food sensitivities to dairy, soy and eggs.  I had been nursing her and had cut all of those foods out of my diet.  If she had any of those foods, she would be in terrible pain and scream for hours.  Other than a hypoallergenic formula that has to be shipped in (that we didn't have), I was her only option for food. Thankfully, we put out a status update on Facebook looking for that formula and it was shared by so many friends.  Before we left the ER the first time, we had 7 cans of Neocate brought up to us.  It was amazing and I cried all the way home, overwhelmed with gratitude.

At the hospital, they gave me some antibiotics and steroids and told me to come back if things got a lot worse.  Two days later, I was in so much pain that I went to a walk-in clinic to get some pain medicine.  My arm was so swollen that they wanted me to go to the hospital and do some tests that they couldn't perform.  Back to the ER I went and the tests came back ok but they put me on iv antibiotics.  They said to come back if my face or neck started swelling.  The next day, Melanie came over and said, "Umm the right side of your face looks kinda weird and swollen."  

Cool.  

Back to the ER.

This time, they put me on a slew of drugs (10 different prescriptions) and kept me for 4 days.  When they told me I would be staying overnight and I would be put on drugs that would be dangerous for Cora, I almost lost it right there.  This would be the first time away from my 7 month old baby.  Some dear friends came up to the hospital to give us food and keep her for the night.  Everyone left the room and I fed her for the last time.  I sat there and memorized the moment.  I could barely see her through my tears but I will never forget it.  I handed over my tiny baby to more than capable hands.  When they left, I broke down and sobbed.  I was terrified.  What if they couldn't get her to drink the formula?  What if she wouldn't sleep?  What if my arm falls off?? I was freaking out when my friend Kara walked in the room all dolled up for a date with her husband.  She understood my pain on a deeper level, she who has lost a 3 month old son.  She took my face in her hands, looked me in the eye and said, "I know.  I know.  You are going to be ok.  You know that?  You will."  She hugged me and let me cry.  I felt safe to lose it a little.  That is another moment I memorized.  

God knew what I needed right then.

Our friends came and left and they wheeled me up to my room.  On our way up there, I knew that my life wasn't going to be the same after this in so many ways.  

This story is a long one so I'm going to break it up.  I get bored reading super long blog posts and I figure I'm not alone.  

Thank you to everyone who helped us find formula.  You guys called pretty much every pharmacy in a 100 mile radius.  

Thank you Sarah Jones and Tina Kacirek for bringing us formula.

Thank you Williams family for keeping Owen that first night.  He loved it!

Thank you Chris and Melissa for sending your baby to your mom's for the first time and taking care of Cora.  You'll never know how much that meant to me.

Thank you James and Stephanie for coming to the hospital multiple times and always bringing the perfect things.

Thank you Kara and Amber for being there when I needed you.

(I'll thank the rest of you as the story goes on. If I forget someone, please have grace and remember I was on morphine at the time.)

-Monica

Independence Day

Hey there, folks.  It has been quite a while since I've contributed to this blog.  I have started & stopped writing so many times this past year but I couldn't seem to muster up the courage to share anything.  It's just been hard and I haven't been doing so well with this struggle.  The conversation in my head has basically been something like this, "I have no right to try & pontificate on a problem that is obviously consuming me.  Also, who wants to hear me discuss my epic failures in this area?  Solution = say/do nothing."  Yep, that's pretty much it.

All the while, God has been here.  He has whispered to me and sometimes pounded things on my heart that I can no longer deny or push aside.  I guess the most humorous experience that has happened recently was the morning I woke up and strongly felt God tell me to watch Joyce Meyer's program on TV.  Ok, here's the thing - I've never really been a fan of Joyce, not that I've ever even listened to her or anything, it was always a style thing with me.  She just always seemed a little too abrasive or something.  Anyway, I really felt like I was supposed to not only watch her show that morning but also to set it to record every day.

Reluctantly I turned it on and listened while I was getting coffee made & breakfast started.  She began to speak and every stinking word felt like it was just for me.  I stood in my kitchen, house shoes & all, tears streaming down, as the love of the Father was spoken to me. No great revelation, just reminders of promises that I seem to always forget.

The next day I watched again as good ole Joyce shared her about her struggle with food.  She said something that I have never even heard or thought of before - she has to bring every bite into submission in order to walk in freedom & obedience to Christ.  I know most Christians are familiar with taking every thought captive (II Corinthians 10:5  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.)  I've just never even thought of this in reference to food. In fact, I don't really do much thinking at all while I'm eating. 
I mean, I can eat pretty much an entire meal while I'm looking for things to cook for dinner & not really notice what I've done. 

Monica & I had a really great talk last night about all of this.  We didn't really know what to do with all of it but we both felt the urge that something needed to happen.  As we were talking, the clock rolled around past midnight and it became July 4th, Independence Day.  

You know, we have both started off with a bang so many times & then fizzled out.  We talked about kinda making a big deal about starting afresh & having a time of repentance & prayer.  I felt God telling me that we have both already done that many times before.  I felt like He was saying that we need to just unceremoniously decide & do this.  That's it.  No plan, no fanfare, just bringing every bite into submission.  

As I am writing this, fireworks are going off all over my neighborhood but my house is still and quiet.  Just me & one nervous little dog tonight.  Well, I'm nervous too, but not about fireworks.  I know that God is with me & with my sister tonight.  He is holding our hands & taking us somewhere new.  

-Celeste

 







  

The Storm

Last week I drove down to Fort Smith to visit my parents and turned on a Moral Revolution podcast from Bethel church. The sermon was Moving Toward Greatness and in the middle, he starts talking about going through a storm in life and God using trials to make us stronger.  He talked about how important it is to surround ourselves with people who will encourage us to stick it out when things get tough.  Little did I know this was foreshadowing what would happen in about 30 minutes.

I'm driving along the highway with my 3 month old daughter, when all of the sudden it started raining pretty hard.  Within half a mile, I was right in the middle of a very intense storm complete with hail, strong winds and lightning.  I could see the tunnel up ahead and was relieved to have a break from the weather.  Everyone inside started pulling over to the side to wait it out and as I sat there, Cora began to cry.  Knowing I couldn't do anything for her, I started to cry too.  The tunnel started filling up completely with cars and that's when the anxiety really kicked in.

I was reminded of the sermon I was listening to and immediately knew I needed to call my friend Stephanie.  Through my tears, I told her what was going on and how scared I was to get out of the safety of the tunnel.  She was just what I needed at that moment, a calm presence in the middle of a bunch of crazy.  God used her to give me the courage to put my car in drive and keep going.  Before I left, I prayed, "God please take this storm away so I can go!"  He said, "No, I won't, but I'll be there with you through it.  Trust me."

So I did.

Can I tell you, I had church in my car.  Like straight up church.

As soon as my wheels started rolling, my mouth started praying in the Spirit.  Every 100 ft or so, God would bring a scripture to mind and so I spoke it out loud.  Each piece of truth from God's word shattered part of my wall of fear.  As I spoke in tongues and prayed the word, I relaxed despite the cracks of thunder and lightning bolts on either side of me.  The wind was shaking my car but my spirit was as calm as a pool of water.  After about 30 minutes of this, I noticed a light in the distance and began to laugh.  I was on my way to clear skies!!

Through this storm, God physically showed me what to do when I have a figurative storm in my life.  The Bible is called the Sword of the Spirit for a reason; it is to be used to fight against our enemy.  That is why I believe it's so important to memorize scripture that speaks to our struggles.  We can have that "sword" constantly ready to pull out when we go through a hard time.

Be intentional about your relationships.  Be real with the people you have in your life so they can help push you toward greatness.  If you don't have anyone in you life like that, begin praying for them today.  God created us to live in community with each other, not in isolation.  Isolation is a very dangerous place to be, in my opinion.

Thank you, friends, that are there to walk with me through my storms.  I love every single one of you.

Monica

Legacy

My life completely changed 2.5 years ago with the birth of our son. It wasn't all about us anymore! I wanted to be a better person for my son to look up to. I must say, having a baby girl 3 months ago was a game changer for me. Boys are generally resilient and if you've been around my son more than 5 minutes you know how true that is. Girls are different. Girls are softer and more sensitive. Girls feel more deeply...happy and hurt.

This tiny girl will one day soon look to me as a model. She will watch me look at myself in the mirror with contempt. She will hear the hurtful things I mutter about myself throughout a hard day. She will see me stressfully snack on chips after a frustrating interaction with her brother. She will pick up on my unhealthy relationship with food despite my best efforts to hide it behind a smile. As a good student of her teacher, she will begin to imitate me. She will learn to hate her body and compare it with others she deems more beautiful. She will loathe her hair and find fault with her skin. Se will become me unless I give her a different model.

I have a responsibility to this beautiful child to show her what it is to be a woman. God gave her to me to love and lead. I don't want to teach her how to pick herself apart and run to food for solace. I want her to be confident in who God created her to be. I want my girl to be healthy in all areas. I want her to be free and full of life, so I must model a life of freedom to her. I want that to be the legacy I leave for her.

Our Real Selves

We tend to post the best version of ourselves online.  We Instagram awesome pictures of the food we make and mostly always smiling pictures of our kids.  Heaven forbid we have a picture of ourselves without makeup on anywhere online.  We don't always mean to do it but we all do.  We want to put our best foot forward.  Nobody wants to see us fighting with our spouse or our kids acting like jerks but those things happen.

I love an online community but I think it can cause us to compare ourselves to others in a negative way.  "How does she always make such beautiful meals for her family that's bigger than mine?"  "Her hair always looks so great and look at how cute she and her husband are together."  "Why can't my kid be as well behaved as hers?"  "He ran for how long?!"  I could literally go on for hours.  I'm not saying that it's bad to post flattering aspects of our lives but I do think we should be transparent also.

I'm not gonna lie, this blog is super embarrassing to write sometimes.  Nearly every time I hit publish, I have the urge to go back and delete my post.  What good would that do, though?  God has called me to be a real person and to share my story for the benefit of not just myself but others.  I'm not the only one that struggles, I'm just brave enough to talk about my journey.

So, I want to encourage you to be real today.  Post somewhere online something that's not super flattering.  For instance, I made a terrible supper last night.  It was this weird lentil soup that looked like the beans Nacho Libre served to all the orphans.  My husband and son both hated it.  Does that make me a terrible cook?  Heck no!  I just won't ever use that recipe again.

Here's a picture of me with not a stitch of makeup on.  This is my real self.

If you want to join me in being real today, use the hashtag #ourrealselves.  Come on, it'll be fun...mostly.

Monica

Leaning a Little

Ok, so this is really hard.  Like for real.  When you've fallen back on the same crutch your whole life, using a new one is never easy.

It makes me think of a person with a bad knee that uses a cane.  They're used to the feel of it in their hands.  It is an extension of their own body, almost.  When they are weak, the cane is there to offer assistance.  Say that person gets knee replacement surgery.  While I'm sure we would think that was a great thing, just imagine how painful it must be at first.  They have to relearn how to walk without leaning on a crutch.  It's not like a person gets out of surgery and starts running.  There is a painful and tedious process of therapy.  There is the perseverance, the stretching through the pain in order to stand tall and walk right.

That's kinda how I feel right now.  I've had the surgery, God has healed my heart and now I'm going through the process of learning how to use this new knee.  I got to test it out yesterday.

Mother's Day...

On tv Mom wakes up with breakfast in bed surrounded by happy children bearing flowers.  She is loved on and showered with gifts throughout the day.  Everyone tells Mama how wonderful she is and not a single dish is done by her that day.

Ha!

I woke up with dark circles under my eyes from a crying newborn only to meet a crying toddler.  My poor boy then promptly threw up all over my legs and the rug.  That scenario played itself out multiple times throughout the day.  It was pretty terrible.  As I was on hands and knees cleaning the floor for the 5th time, I told God how mad I was.  It's not supposed to be like this and I just want to drown myself in cheesecake!  But you see, I threw out that old cane.  That's not how I roll anymore.  I didn't want it any less, but I have taken away my options.  My option right now is to pray and so pray, I did.  I prayed all day and prayed in the middle of the night while I was being screamed at by a 9 lb girl.  I cried and I prayed and told God how much I hated everything.  haha!  I really did do that.

Praying didn't change my circumstances.  It didn't even really change my attitude at that moment, but it did help me stick to my goals.  God is calling me to lean into him when I get weak and he promises to be there when I do.

Not every day will be as hard as yesterday was.  I do know it will get easier to walk without a limp.

Monica

Sharpening Iron

God is so nice.  He really is.  I've gotta tell you what he did for me this week.  

So after I posted my blog the other day talking about my struggle with sugar (really food in general) I had several close friends text or comment such encouraging words.  I felt such love!  Two friends were quite impactful though 'cause they were pretty much sent by God to speak into my situation.  One girl is on the other side of the struggle and the other girl is in the trenches with me.  So now I have someone giving me hope that I too can walk in wholeness and freedom.  I also have an accountability partner who is choosing to give up the same thing I am.  

What the heck?  

How cool is that?  

Real...

I know some people probably think God doesn't give a crap about things like what we eat or read or watch or ingest in any other way.  I beg to differ.  These two amazing ladies in my life are proof that it matters.  That he would love me enough to send reinforcements is amazing.  

We were made to live in community with one another.  We make each other better...usually.  This is why it's important to have people around us to say the hard things.  If we can't be vulnerable and a little embarrassed sometimes we miss out on incredible growth and deep relationships.

So yeah, it's been a good week so far.  I've done things differently and I feel good about it.  I've done hard things this week and I've relied on God's strength to get me through.  

When God lays someone on your heart, don't hesitate to contact them.  He could be up to something amazing!

Thanks for all the love,

Monica